Hard Lessons

This past week has been hard for me.  My son was offered a job in Denver and only had two weeks to get everything together to move.  Even though I am happy that he found this terrific job, the thought of not seeing him everyday saddens me.  I did a lot of crying while helping him pack things up, and at times it was hard to hide my emotions. The two of us worked hard to get everything done, but we both wished we had more hands and another week to accomplish it all.

Thursday night I just couldn’t sleep or stop crying.  I went downstairs and looked in on him sleeping, the last night he would be sleeping here.  Next time he will be a guest.  I cried even more.  Sitting on the couch looking at all the boxes all over,  just made me sob more.

Then it hit me.  It was as if someone kicked me in the ass and said “get over it girl”!

I tried to understand how he must be feeling.  Moving out of his childhood home.  Leaving a job here in Chicago that he was very successful at. Taking a chance at a job in a new field in a different town.  Not knowing where he would be living long term, or if this job opportunity was the right choice.

I stopped crying and realized that my job was over.  I had raised him, I nurtured him, I taught him right from wrong, and now I needed to let him go…..my heart has to release him.

Several times a week he would come over for lunch, eat all the food in the fridge, and watch ESPN.  I loved those visits.  I came to depend on those lunches…….too much.

Today he is settled in Denver.  His beloved girlfriend, Anna is there, and her family has welcomed my son with loving open arms.  I am happy for him.  Even though I miss him already, I am so proud of the Man he has become……how dare I cry for myself?

 I just keep thinking of how much money I will save on my grocery bill!

Just remember Dan (I don’t think he even reads my blogs) this quote from one of our favorite books when you were little.

“I’ll love you forever

I’ll like you always

As long as I’m living

My Baby you’ll be”

*From the book Love You Forever by Robert Munsch.

,l,l,l,l,l,lppo

 

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No One Sees Me

No one sees me, it is as if I just disappeared, vanished, ceased to be.

I am enveloped in fog, zero visibility and I remain unseen.

The sun hasn’t come out and cut through the thick gray fog, I just wait…..until someone, anyone comes and gets me.

My world is small, few people enter my world although everyone is welcome.

Alone is sad.

I JUST WANT TO BE OKAY

“Someone asked me what are my “Favorite/most useful coping skills – for pain, depression, and all the silly side effects that come with having chronic illness?””

Hmmmm?  Do I have any coping skills, or do I just roll with the flow?  My first thought is that I am only able to cope with my illnesses with the help from my medications.  Other than that, I don’t handle this “chronic illness stuff” well at all. But, I have made it  through many a bad day by remembering some basic things:

  • Accept what you have and don’t argue with God anymore…I don’t mean give up…just accept it

  • Accept help from the people who love you

  • Accept that your HUSBAND and kids are as frightened as you are about this new thing called “chronic illness”

  • Help your family understand what you need…I don’t mean a glass of cold pop or a sandwich…You need to tell them you need rest, understanding , companionship, and sometimes you need to be alone just to be mad at this rude intrusion of illness

  • Help yourself by keeping a journal or blog to express your feelings that you don’t want to share with anyone

I had to accept that I couldn’t drive.

I had to accept that I had to leave my job.

I had to accept that my social life was extinct.

I had to accept that many people just would never understand my illnesses.

i had to accept that my family would not become malnourished because I CAN’T cook every night.

i had to accept that my house would never be clean again.

So, I adapted and tried to do what I could to make my life a little more comfortable without feeling guilty.

My bedroom is beautiful and an oasis for me.  Fleece sheets when it’s cold, crisp cotton sheets when it’s not.  Ridiculously expensive down pillows that are worth every penny I spent on them.

 At times, when I feel bad days a’coming,  I will keep healthy snacks and drinks in my room so I won’t have to go downstairs.

I let my dog and cat sleep with me when I am feeling especially sorry for myself.

I am not embarrassed to ride in those cute little scooters they have at some stores.                                                  

 I am not embarrassed to sit on whatever I can find if I get tired when I am out…and that includes the floor.

 I am not embarrassed to go out without makeup…something I would never have done before I got sick.  I will stay in my jammies all day if I need to.

Sometimes I won’t take a shower until someone comes home because I am afraid I will fall.

 I finally admitted I needed a handicapped tag for my car.

 I let myself cry if I want to.

down_in_dumps

ALL I WANT IS TO BE OKAY