Who are we kidding when we tell people we are “okay” or “fine” or “hanging in there”?
I have been held captive by a cold for several days now. I can’t breathe, I sound like I am coughing up a lung, my head is pounding and my ears are plugged up…the usual bullshit of a cold or virus. But teamed up with my everyday illnesses, I really felt sick.
My Husband calls me everyday from work. Thank goodness for caller ID is all I have to say. I take a few seconds to think, then answer the phone sounding cheerful and as if I am feeling terrific. I don’t like him to worry when he is at work, or come rushing because I’m sick. I do the same thing to my kids….I’m fine…I’m having a good day. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
Once I took myself to the ER with “chest discomfort” as I told everyone, I had chest pains, but didn’t want to say it out loud. Turned out to be nothing except a four-day stay in the hospital.
I fall alot…I have always been clumsy, even as a kid. When I take a tumble I explain it away…someone left their shoes in the middle of the room or I tripped on that thingy on the stairs that sticks out, or these shoes are too big. Why do I feel as if I have to make excuses? I think I just want everyone else to think I’m OK. Just last week I fell in my neighbors back yard….yes it was dark…true I hadn’t been back there in a long time. But I fell flat on my face, and pretended I was fine. Why?
How many of us lie to ourselves and everyone around us? Is it because we are afraid someone might think we “Crying wolf”? Is it because we don’t want to be fussed over? Is it because we just don’t want anyone, including ourselves, to know how really sick we are? I’ve been doing this for ten years now. It’s getting more difficult.
And you know what? I don’t think I’m fooling anyone.